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kaelabobaela
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Name: Kaela
Location: Vancouver, Canada
Gender: Female
Interests: sunny days, banana bread, long conversations, laughing, beaches, going for walks, pugs, Christ.
Expertise: i am goodlooking and i make good chicken.
Occupation: Student
Industry: Other
Message: message me
Member Since:
1/30/2006
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| I am bored of blogging.
I am probably letting this die...
Don't be alarmed, please.
I am just bored of it.
If I ever have an epiphany, perhaps I will return...
Or I will just tell you about it.
Either way, I just thought I'd let you know.
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| And so, here I am. Feeling the need to ask why, and wondering whether or not I'll ever know the answer. Perhaps my life will always resemble this in one way or another. Or maybe one day, I will figure things out, figure myself out, and know that I am set.
I am an all-over the map kind of person. I don't know where I will be next year, and I constantly tell myself that I like it. Do I like it? What do I want? I must know what I want, I am (after all) myself. I am me. I am Kaela. What does Kaela want? Should not I know that better than I do? I have a lifetime ahead of me to become and to be, and yet I have to actually...become...and be. At some point. Don't I? Or am I? Will I?
When I picture my life, what do I see? The only thing I know for certain is this: I want to make it better. It? It. I want to be the person that sits beside a beggar, offering more than change. I want to be the hand holding the child, loving them more than life. I want to be the smile offered on the bus, the advice given in secret, the trust held when there is no other, the hope seen in darkness. I want to offer the world something more than a job, something bigger than a girl, something more than I know.
I see myself delivering tiny babies, making a tear-stricken face laugh, and writing a book about it. I see myself making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for my own. But this is all so vague. This is no direction to lean towards. This does not give me an education plan, or a career path, or anything other than a notion. A notion that is no secret, that is nothing different than the people I live with, that will not birth itself into anything greater. Unless...it does. Unless it births itself into a life.
What do I do, then? Do I finish a degree course I have begun, or do I turn myself to the side in devotion to yet another grand scheme of my own making. Is it my own making? Is it inspired by Someone else? (Or merely, someone else...) Do I keep at this until I stand on a stage with a paper in my hand, knowing I gave it my all? Should I commit a year to training myself to bring life into the world (without accreditation)? Should I go the accredited route, and pursue a medical degree?
Who am I? This is what I need to figure out. Once I know the who, I will be better able to know the rest. Won't I?
And so, here I am. Feeling the need to ask why, and wondering whether or not I'll ever know the answer. Perhaps my life will always resemble this in one way or another. Or maybe one day, I will figure things out, figure myself out, and know that I am set.
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| maggie and milly and molly and may
went down to the beach(to play one day)
and maggie discovered a shell that sang
so sweetly she couldn't remember her troubles,and
milly befriended a stranded star
whose rays five languid fingers were;
and molly was chased by a horrible thing
which raced sideways while blowing bubbles :and
may came home with a smooth round stone
as small as a world and as large as alone.
For whatever we lose(like a you or a me)
it's always ourselves we find in the sea
- e.e. cummings
this is for you, ladies. summer is coming, and it's not too soon.
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| There are times in life when I want nothing more than to run away or die laughing. Last night was one of those.
Boston Pizza was the destination, the plan, the 'to-do' of the evening. We went to celebrate some type of anniversary for Jenn (to be honest, I don't even know what), and were having quite a lovely time chatting about chocolate and relationships. Give me a break, I am allowed. Valentines is just around the corner, and BP's was covered in hearts. Hearts with handwritten messages for all to see.
My favorites?
"I'm Tami...if you want to fix a broken heart...(insert Tami's email here)"
"Hey Jen! Thanks for the good time! Call me! -Cole (insert Cole's phone number)"
"I can see down your shirt!!! (on the bottom of the tv above my seat)"
Which one did we choose to play with? You're probably right...Cole's. You give Casey a phone number to call, he will call it. And Kaela will end up with the phone in her hand, and a voicemail message playing in her ear. And to be honest, I did what anybody would do in the situation...I became Jen. (The Jen from the note, not the Jenn sitting across from me)
"Hey Cole, this is Jen...I saw your heart with the number on it in Boston Pizza, and thought I would just give you a call back...thank YOU for the good time!"
I hang up, there is laughter, I am the center of attention...all is well. But, oh wait...what's that I hear? Casey's phone is ringing?! And there is suddenly a hush, a gasp, stiffled laughter and a phone in my hand, once again. I won't go into the entire conversation that lasted about 2 long minutes, but here is a brief rundown for you:
C: So...
K: So...
C: What are you up to tonight?
K: Dinner with friends
C: Where are you?
K: Boston Pizza (crap, not good idea to say...)
C: I'm across the road right now
K: (Crap, crap, crap)...Oh....cool.....
C: I should come see you
K: (I am stupid)....No, we won't be here.....
(LOUD laughter from entire table)
Eventually the awkwardness ended when I slightly hung up on him after a long awkward pause...but returned around 5 minutes later when three young men walked inside, and I noticed one dialing a cellphone...putting the phone to his ear...and then I heard Casey's phone...yet again.
They came to see Jen.
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| What would my soundtrack be???
Opening Credits: Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk, by Rufus Wainwright
Waking Up: Easily, by the Chili Peppers
Falling in love: Elevation, by U2 (pretty amazing love song, if you ask me..."the corner of your lips is the orbit of your hips...eclipse...you elevate my soul...")
Fight Song: I Am Weary (Let Me Rest), by the Cox Family - O Brother, Where Art Thou? Soundtrack
Breaking Up: I Am the Walrus, the Beatles (although I think the breakup would be a lot better with the Beatles to ease my pain...)
Mental Breakdown: Sometimes You Can't Make it on Your Own, by U2 (aw, so true iTunes...can't you just see the grey dismal scene, with me sitting on the floor...camera angle looking down at me...'let me take some of the punches for you tonight'...drums...i lay down and stare numbly...good scene forming here...)
Driving: Heal Over, by KT Tunstall
Flashback: Sleeping In, by the Postal Service (good flashback song...)
Getting Back Together: 1,2 Step, by Ciara (apparently we get back together at a club or high school dance...)
Wedding: Burn, by Ray LaMontagne (more of a depressing wedding...'Mama, don't leave me...'?)
Birth of Child: Crabbuckit, by k-os
Final Battle: Ride, by Cary Brothers (I am so excited my life has a final battle scene, in which I apparently am either tragically wounded or die, by the sounds of this song)
Death Scene: Magical Mystery Tour, by the Beatles (you know what...flippin play this at my funeral. this is an AMAZING death song...how epic of me...)
Funeral Song: Indian War Whoop, by John Hartford - O Brother soundtrack (I still want the Magical Mystery Tour, instead...)
End Credits: Where Have All the Good People Gone?, by Sam Roberts (I died. That's where I went.)
(discovered by putting iTunes on shuffle, and clicking next with each new answer...no lying allowed.) | | |
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